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Lyrics:

[Intro]
[Slow, jazzy piano intro]
[Male Vocal, smooth crooner style]

[Verse 1]
Sunset Boulevard is calling out my name,
I’ve got the smile, I’ve got the look, I’ve got the game.
I see my face upon the marquee, burning bright,
A legend in the heights—oh, what a sight.

[Verse 2]
I’d be an object of desire, yes indeed,
The kind of star that every desperate heart would need.
My velvet voice would set the whole world on fire,
Climbing ever higher, on a golden wire.

[Pre-Chorus]
But there’s a tiny, microscopic flaw in the plan,
I’m just a middle-aged, unremarkable man.
I’ve got the tuxedo, I’ve got the tie,
But the agents just look... and then they walk by.

[Chorus]
Oh, I’m not even a has-been,
‘Cause I never really was!
Just a local guy with a rusty song,
Singing to the bathroom door, just because.
I’m not a legend, I’m not a trend,
I’m a budget-bin dream that’s about to end.
(laughs)
I’m not even a has-been...
‘Cause I never even start-ed.

[Verse 3]
I practiced my bow in the hall for an hour,
I took a cold, dramatic, lonely shower.
My autograph’s nice, it’s got a lovely loop,
But the only thing I’m leading is a pigeon coop.

[Bridge]
[Tempo building, brass section swells]
One day they’ll notice the glint in my eye!
Or maybe they’ll notice I’m just a nice guy.
No fame, no fortune, no fan-base parade,
Just a man with a mic—and a lemonade.

[Solo]
[Upbeat, comedic trumpet solo]

[Chorus]
No, I’m not even a has-been,
‘Cause I never really was!
Just a local guy with a rusty song,
Singing to the bathroom door, just because.
I’m not a legend, I’m not a trend,
I’m a budget-bin dream that’s about to end.

[Outro]
[Soft piano chords]
Yeah, I never really was...
(whisper) A has-been...
I’m more of a "never-gonna-be."
[Piano final note: slightly out of tune]
[End]

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Not Even a Has-Been

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