[Verse 1]
Girlfriend finished with me the other day
She said that I was alright and stuff,
but she had had a better offer
No list of faults, it wasn't me but her
And with that I'm supposed to feel better

She said she wished me all the best
And that I'd find someone more in tune with my soul
Someone more deserving overall
So self-deprecating and not appreciating
That the cow has left me rotting in a hole

I asked her who the lucky fella is
At first she didn't want to tell me
But I knew that it must be Eric
The sneaky bastard really couldn't let it be

[chorus]
Now I can only conclude that she's an awful bitch
Somebody new is providing a scratching for her itch
It's a very sad cessation and sod my reputation
She's left me stranded dying in a ditch

[Verse 2]
The funny thing is that Eric was my mate
He has done this to other blokes and I'm just one of many
That Romeo has form, he's a bastard and a moron
A traitor snake with scruples hardly any

And if she tries to come crawling back to me
When he has dumped her, shook her off like a flea
I'll be the one who is laughing,
she'll be the one who is feeling sore
And I shall be the winner of it all

[chorus]
Now I can only conclude that she's an awful bitch
Somebody new is providing a scratching for her itch
It's a very sad cessation and sod my reputation
She's left me stranded dying in a ditch

[Verse 3]
Now all the lads at the pub are taking the piss
Trevor’s bought me a pint but I’m still feeling sick
Eric and Sarah, parading down the street
Like I never mattered, like I’m obsolete

Saw them snogging by the bus stop, what a sight
Eric winking at me—yeah, that’s right
But I’ll get by, I’ll rise again
Plenty more fish, and all that, my friend

[Chorus]
Now I can only conclude that she's an awful bitch
Somebody new is providing a scratching for her itch
It's a very sad cessation and sod my reputation
She's left me stranded dying in a ditch

[Bridge]
Maybe I’ll move on, find a girl from the bar
Someone who likes me for who I really are
Or maybe I’ll get a dog, call him Eric too
Teach him some loyalty, not like you-know-who

[Verse 4]
Now Sarah’s texting, “Can we still be friends?”
I nearly choked laughing, it never ends
Eric’s gone quiet, guess he’s done me a favour
A two-faced Romeo, love’s little traitor

[Chorus]
Now I can only conclude that she's an awful bitch
Somebody new is providing a scratching for her itch
It's a very sad cessation and sod my reputation
She's left me stranded dying in a ditch

[Outro - spoken/rant]
Yeah, Sarah, you can do one,
And Eric, you snake, don’t come round my mum’s
Pair of muppets, both of you—good riddance!
I hope your chips are always soggy and your pints are flat!
JUST FUCK OFF!