[Verse 1] [Northern, Cheeky]
Cracked the window, smog rolls in,
Monday morning, where do I begin?
Landlady’s bangin’, sounds like t’fridge when it’s broke,
Shouting through letterbox, threatenin’ to revoke.
She’s got curlers in her hair and a face like a boot,
If looks could evict, I’d be out in me suit.

[Pre-Chorus] [More Urgent]
She’s got a gob like a foghorn, I swear on me tea,
Curdled the milk just by shoutin’ at me.
But she’s got the keys to this draughty old den,
So I mind me manners—least ‘til half past ten.

[Chorus] [Upbeat, Music Hall]
Can you shave me ears, luv, else I’ll not pay the rent,
I’ve got more fluff than a sheep, it’s a tenant’s lament!
She squints and she sniffs, “Yer pushin’ yer luck!”
But a fella’s gotta bargain when he’s properly stuck!

[Verse 2]
Found a pigeon dossin’ on t’windowsill,
Looked warmer than me, gave me quite a chill.
He cooed at the telly, pecked crumbs off me vest,
More interested in Corrie than all the rest!
Our Marlene walked in, rolled her eyes with a sigh,
Said, “That bird’s got more sense than most blokes that I spy!”

[Pre-Chorus]
Boiler’s conked out, pipes froze last night,
Icicles danglin’—what a sorry sight!
She yells “Wear a jumper, it’s not all that tough!”
While I’m shiverin’ blue—aye, enough’s enough!

[Chorus]
Can you shave me ears, luv, else I’ll not pay the rent,
Got more fluff than a sheep, it’s a tenant’s lament!
She squints and she sniffs, “Yer pushin’ yer luck!”
But a fella’s gotta try, when he’s properly stuck!

[Bridge] [Softer, Wry]
It’s a hard life up North, but we laugh through the strife,
Dream of hot water and a quieter life.
So I’ll fetch me own razor and tackle this fuzz,
And hope for a day when they’ll mind their own buzz.

[Chorus]
Can you shave me ears, luv, else I’ll not pay the rent,
I’ve got more fluff than a sheep, it’s a tenant’s lament!
She squints and she sniffs, “Yer pushin’ yer luck!”
But a fella’s gotta try, when he’s properly stuck!

[Outro] [Band fades, cheeky spoken]

Aye, shave me ears... or she’ll have me out on me arse!
(Background: “Bloody ‘ell, not again!” / Landlady cackles, band laughs and tuba sighs)