Moz has just read a negative review of his latest release in the music press. He knows that the woman Guardian journalist is left-leaning politically (and an immigrant) and this winds him up even more.  She also mocks his stance on vegetarianism.  Seething he sits down to write the lyrics for not one but two scathing disparaging songs in response. 

The Guardian Angel EP

Take 1:

Tofu Tyrant

[Intro]
(Organ swells, slightly out of tune. A lone, discordant trumpet blast)

[Verse 1] [Bitterly Sarcastic]
Another brick thrown, another paper stained
With ink of vipers, venomously feigned.
She sits in judgment, perched upon her throne,
A sneering smile, a heart of paving stone.

[Verse 2] [Mocking]
Oh, Guardian angel, wings of faded grey,
Pronouncing verdicts at the close of day.
From distant shores, she comes to lecture me
On matters of the soul, and what I ought to be.

[Chorus] [Spiteful, Rising Intensity]
The tofu tyrant, with her righteous rage,
A keyboard warrior, trapped upon life's stage.
She clucks and frets about the factory farm,
While empires crumble and the world's alarm
Is drowned in soy milk, latte-liberal tears,
Another headline for her poisoned ears.

[Verse 3] [Personal Attack, bordering on Xenophobic]
Did they teach you nothing in your homeland dear?
Except to criticize and spread your doubt and fear?
You feast on freedom, purchased with our pain,
Then defecate upon it, again and again.

[Bridge] [Slowing tempo, momentarily reflective, but still barbed]
Perhaps I'm fading, a relic of the past,
My relevance diminished, fading oh so fast.
But better to be honest, flawed and out of time,
Than peddle virtue with a hateful, twisted rhyme.

[Chorus] [More aggressive, faster tempo]
The tofu tyrant, with her righteous rage,
A keyboard warrior, trapped upon life's stage.
She clucks and frets about the factory farm,
While empires crumble and the world's alarm
Is drowned in soy milk, latte-liberal tears,
Another headline for her poisoned ears.

[Outro] [Trumpet returns, even more discordant. Organ fades to silence]
So sleep soundly, darling, in your moral haze,
While England slowly burns in these bewildering days.
(A final, whispered) Vegetarian...

---------

Take 2:

Ink-stained Fingers

[Jangly Guitar Intro]

[Verse 1] [Caustic baritone]
Ink-stained fingers, clutching your Guardian
Another brick hurled, another lie paraded
You dissect my soul with your foreign agenda
While chewing on corpses, a moral suspender

[Chorus] [Spiteful]
You sneer at my principles, my vegetarian creed
From your ivory tower, planting seeds of misread
But the soil of this nation, it runs in my veins
While you parrot opinions, and relish the rains

[Verse 2] [Bitter] 
Your left-wing drivel, a predictable drone
You dissect with malice, a heart made of stone
You came to this country, to tear it apart
Ignoring the beauty, a poisonous dart

[Chorus] [Spiteful]
You sneer at my principles, my vegetarian creed
From your ivory tower, planting seeds of misread
But the soil of this nation, it runs in my veins
While you parrot opinions, and relish the rains

[Bridge] [Vindictive]
Remember your place, remember your debt
To the land that embraced you, a kindness you've met
But you repay with scorn, a venomous tongue
While the song of this England, remains unsung

[Chorus] [Spiteful]
You sneer at my principles, my vegetarian creed
From your ivory tower, planting seeds of misread
But the soil of this nation, it runs in my veins
While you parrot opinions, and relish the rains

[Outro] [Resentful]
So write your reviews, and sharpen your quill
But the truth will endure, against your ill will
The truth will endure, against your ill will
[Fade out] [Orchestral sting]