Last year in the Liverpool grind, phones ringin' all the time,
A new voice on the team, tryin' to stay out of the fray.
They introduced us to Crystal, said "she's from far away,"
With a five o'clock shadow that the makeup couldn't hide...

She was the best-dressed 'woman' in the place
Always immaculate, silk and lace
She'd smile and try to catch my eye
With a scarf ‘round her neck, lookin’ up at the sky
I'm 6 feet tall but I felt like a dwarf in her presence…

(Chorus)
Oh, Crystal, who you tryin' to fool?
Or is it just me, bein' an old-fashioned tool?
In a sea of headset wires and corporate lies,
You're the realest thing I saw with my own two eyes...

Then one silent Tuesday, a twist in the plot
A box of soft centres left right on the spot
Sat on my keyboard, this mysterious gift
Makin’ the whole row go emotionally shift…

I stared at those chocolates, dead fancy and deep
’Til a voice from behind me gave me the creeps:
“Alright, Floyd, la… don’t look so stressed out
Seems you’ve got an admirer—no need to doubt…

(Chorus)
Oh, Crystal, who you tryin' to fool?
Or is it just me, bein' an old-fashioned tool?
In a sea of headset wires and corporate lies,
You're the realest thing I saw with my own two eyes...