[Verse 1]
My woman's been the best, a man could ever 'ave
But sometimes she takes liberties, and leaves me feelin' cold
She's pretty and attracts some smiles from other men
and leaves me feeling insecure, it's time she learned the score

[Chorus]
I know what I'll do, I'm gonna 'ide 'er card 
Then maybe she will learn, the sort of man I am
If she don't cook me breakfast
If she don't treat me kind
Then she'll be sorry, she'll regret
And she will change 'er mind

[Verse 2]
I found it in 'er purse, while she was asleep upstairs
A little piece of plastic, that proves that she is 'ers
I slipped it in my pocket, a satisfying thrill
She'll never know what's coming, and soon she'll feel the chill

[Verse 3]
She's turned the 'ouse all upside down, a panic in 'er eyes
"I need it for the doctor!" she desperately cries
I sit there in my armchair, and I just pretend to look
While savin' every little bit of 'er distraught, shook

[chorus]
This is what I've done, I've gone and hid 'er card 
And maybe she will learn, the sort of man I am
If she don't cook me breakfast
If she don't treat me kind
Then she'll be sorry, she'll regret
And she will change 'er mind

[Verse 4]
"Don't worry, love," I'll tell 'er, "I'll 'elp you through the pain."
"We'll get you a new one, but life won't be the same."
"They'll charge you an 'undred pounds, it's money that we 'aven't got."
"This little lesson, my dear, is gonna 'it you in the spot."

[Verse 5]
And when she's 'umble, broken, and dependent on my grace
She'll finally understand 'er and my proper place
A man's the 'ead, you see, my love, you need to understand
And I've got all the power, right 'ere in my 'and.

[Outro - Spoken, over a final, resolving chord]
Then the police came round, said "There's been a report of theft."
"Of a Digital ID card, sir, so your stories we'll check."
Turns out that little chip can tell 'em where it's been...
And now it's me who's learnin' what a mess that I am in.