(Intro)
(A lone, greasy rockabilly guitar riff. A stand-up bass slaps out a walking line. A steady, simple drum beat with brush snare kicks in.)

(Verse 1)
Spit in a tube for a discount price
For a glimpse of paradise
A secret key to what’s inside
Nowhere for your secrets to hide
She got a map of where she’s been
Tattooed right on her skin
But the legend’s written in a code so mean
Yeah, the message is obscene

(Pre-Chorus)
And the email pings, the future rings
Oh, what ugly, lovely things it brings!

(Chorus)
Oh, Katie regrets that she had her DNA done! (Yeah!)
Unzipped her soul for a bit of fun! (Woah!)
Found a king… in her family tree…
Now he’s texting her for a royalty fee!
Oh, Katie regrets that she had her DNA done!

(Verse 2)
Turns out she’s 2% a ancient fly
With a compound eye
And 5% from a frozen sea
And a cousin… in Dundee…
He’s got her nose and her taste for gin
Says, "Hey, cousin, let me come on in!"
Now her inbox is a crying shame
It’s a genealogical claim

(Pre-Chorus)
And the data floats on a digital sea
Oh, who the hell she’s s’posed to be!

(Chorus)
Oh, Katie regrets that she had her DNA done! (She regrets it!)
Unzipped her soul for a bit of fun! (For fun!)
Found a king… in her family tree…
Now he’s texting her for a royalty fee!
Oh, Katie regrets that she had her DNA done!

(Bridge)
(The music warps. The tempo slows. The vocals are run through a phaser, sounding like a corrupted computer file.)
Helix… spiral… breaking free…
What’s inside of you and me?
Data mining, fate designing…
No use whining, no use whining…
23 and me… and thee… and everybody…

(Guitar Solo)
(Not a technical shred, but a wailing, fuzzy, theremin-like glide guitar solo, full of whammy bar dives and feedback—the sound of a genetic code melting down.)

(Chorus - Outro)
Oh, Katie regrets that she had her DNA done! (She really does!)
Unzipped her soul for a bit of fun!
Found a king… (a king!)… in her family tree…
Now he’s texting her… constantly!
Oh, Katie regrets…

(Fade Out)
(The band vamps on the rockabilly riff as the singer ad-libs, his voice echoing into oblivion:)
"Turns out grandma knew a duke… or was it a cook?... It's all in the book... 98% neanderthal... gimme a call... haplogroup blues... oh, Katie lost her shoes... in the gene pool... she broke the rule..."